I had what I felt were two choices crawl into a cave to nurse my wounds or get back on my bike and fight through it as if nothing had happened. I chose the latter. But what if it happens again? Being the type of person that am I am forever analysing. One of my thousand and one theories is that broadly speaking although there can be a blurring of lines, swingers fall into one of two camps. Cold and detached on the surface or.....not sure how to label the other camp, heart on sleeve? emotionally in touch? emotionally in tune? hmm yes I think the last two might be good descriptions.
Anyway in my time as a swinger I have always tried to steer clear of people that choose the cold and detached on the surface approach. In the early days although I would always be polite...I think.
It tended to piss me off. I saw it as cold dispassionate production line sex. Especially when people told me they have a "no kissing" rule. Boy, whenever I heard that phrase or read that in a profile......."if you don't wanna kiss me I certainly don't wanna fuck you, I'm a person not a f**king prop" .......lets just say it used to put my back up.
However over the years my stance has softened and I now see it as just one of several protection mechanisms that people use to navigate their way through the swinging lifestyle. Particularly with couples. Its just a way of separating what they do as swingers from what they do as a couple behind closed doors. It's still not for me though. It doesn't put my back up any more but for me the no kissing rule is a deal breaker.
So I got right back on my bike and started attending swinging events again. After all I had to start networking again. There were no couples that I was seeing at the time because quite frankly during my time spent with this lady although there was no monogamy on either side I just wasn't that interested in nurturing anything meaningful with anyone else. So in many ways it was very much like starting from scratch again. I had a few encounters but in reality my heart wasn't in it. Any time I drove to an event my thoughts would be consumed by this woman for the whole journey. so although i was able to shut her out of my mind when with someone else, as soon as I made my way home she would be back again. Yes I had fun but deep down I knew it was cold and functional. I'd joined the other camp............damn it man snap out of it and grow some balls I'd say to myself.
So here I am many months later still feeling the ripple effects of the impact this amazing woman had on me. What effect has it had on me. Where do I start? Well I'm still a Dom Bull but I no longer define myself as a Bull with nearly as much of my core sexual identity. I no longer have a single narrowly defined vision about what direction I want go in. Now I see a world of possibilities.
When you fall in love so completely and it comes to a painful end you can protect yourself so it doesn't happen again but thats just not me. I've had a taste of it now and painful as it can be, the flip side is oh so........well a couple of age old sayings have relevance here....better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This is my favourite though. it has many variations and not normally applied to emotions but I like it.... "It is better to live one day as a lion than a lifetime as a lamb"
Forgive me but my mind is prone to going in all kind of directions, let me explore this thought process for a bit. One could argue that the swingers lifestyle is the emotional equivalent of world war one trenches or a gladiatorial arena. Is there any greater test of resilience where sex and love are concerned? Some survive others perish. You get post traumatic shock or you come out a stronger wiser being.....
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